Losing 2015 in progress

There was no January in my life this year. I fell asleep too early, woke up a day too late and maybe have never left this no-time space. And to keep things simple and honest – I don’t know where all those 2015 days are going.

January was a month of staying at home and keeping myself from thinking about doing anything else. Just to remain calm. The idea of going out, doing stuff, handling social intercourse… Crashing. To sum up, I watched ca. 30 movies, drank a bottle of ice tea per 36 hours and got stoned every few hours. I guess I slept a half of the whole month at least. I just closed it in a couple of short sentences, but it was nothing like that. The time was stretching slowly, making fun of me. My ability to communicate with anyone was slowly fading. I don’t talk to my friends at the moment in general. Some small talks now and then, me refusing their invitations for hanging around mostly. I’m not even sure if I want to talk to them. They constitute the situation that I’m not feeling comfortable in. I mean it’s not their fault, I like them, they’re amazing people! But they’re this last, but not least thing that is making everything so uncomfortable and intimidating. They already have they ways to see things, also the way to see me. I know for sure that this is not the place that I’m willing to stay. Okay, leaving all enormously huge world just because you didn’t like one place – not the only, not the best option. I can give myself another try somewhere, I feel like there is nothing to lose. If I don’t like it… Well. And that is how I came up with this whole student exchange idea. Just to be not. Here.

I still think that this would be my way to get through life. Somewhere else every time I feel bad again. It’s been always difficult for me to find comfort in life. I remember those small changes that were enough to go years ago. Now the only change that seems sufficient enough is moving out and leaving everything like it never existed. I try not to think about coming back for now. Actually I might go missing until then.

Putting words in sentences is a struggle. This whole language thing is killing me. I’m anxious and confused anytime I need to exchange thoughts with anyone. Which is disastrous for me, as I’ve always been the one that knows how to say, knows how to write, knows how to do this abracadabra. This is why I write in English, which is not my native language, here. Just to take the responsibility of writing good off.

And now February… At first I though that I’m catching up on it, but now I see that it’s almost gone. The one thing I became highly (ha ha ha) fluent with is passing the time. Walks, soundwalks, movies, baths, mindmapping, origami paper folding, watching lights and shadows, keeping the room tidy, looking for anything to do next, now blogging about it…  My plan was to spend some quality time with myself this month, maybe find out what I might want to do here or anywhere. None of this happened. I don’t enjoy spending time in any way. Being alone and doing this bunch of nothing feels better as I stay safe at my place. And there’s still some itching loneliness in it.

But if I were (forced) to find anything that I discovered (!) and liked recently – definitely walking. It doesn’t happen all the time that I want to do anything. Most of those precious moments are about going for a walk. So anytime I feel like going for a walk I stop whatever I’m doing and I just leave. I go wherever, not worrying about getting lost. I take my time to stop and stare at things at different angles, checking them on my way back when the light is changed. There’s usually no music in headphones as I also make it a time of my ear cleaning – sometimes just without music, sometimes by alternating for a soundwalk. I could stop here, but there’s always this one disappointment in those walks. I don’t meet anyone.

And after all this is still what I’m looking for. Someone. Anyone would be just fine for now. And someone, someday, somewhere. Someone to write a letter to. Someone to know me. Someone to take me somewhere else.

Well, I wish I felt good about these 783 words that I managed to put in here. But that’s okay, wasn’t counting on it that much anyway. Maybe next time? An.

Hi, this is me saying hi!

Here I come to this moment with no way out, but two options to choose from – I can stay or I can go. I can’t just go. So I choose both.

I’m here to neutralize anxiety and depression. To gather all my single moments and pass them forward to anyone, someone and noone. To make things matter. My currently beloved stage is the one of not-being-around, the only thing I can do is passing the time. I walk, stare, listen, smoke, search, fold papers, mindmap, move… I go through episodes of my days and nights, struggle with coincidences, avoid and barely manage misundarstandings. My visions are elusive and unmemorable. But there’s no mystery in me. Only untold things.

My main aim in life right now is to leave the place where I am at the moment. And I will do so. As soon as possible.

Up above me standing in various circumstances.

I hope this will be the place. An.