daze an. confuse

Mood specific experience of mine.

French Inhale

French Kiss involves 34 facial muscles. Regular kiss only 2.

/ language school’s leaflet

Here’s a story. Hard to say what kind of. It may look like a love story, but maybe it shouldn’t. Then it may look like easy drama. And maybe that would make sense. All I’m sure is that it’s a story of context creating coincidences.

For a long time I thought that my main poor mood’s reason is not having someone to be with. After broken relationships I was easily getting lonely in a way that was affecting my whole life-experiencing efficiency. This time it came to disastrous moments. After few intensive months of somehow enjoying single’s life, the old lonely song came back to my head. My depression and anxiety were pushing harder and harder. It seemed impossible for me to communicate with people, I was too convinced that we all speak in different individual languages, never meant to understand each other fully. I felt isolated and uncomfortable with that. I lost my social skills and interests. I got bored and tired of staying in touch, keeping the contacts, hanging around. To create some innovation in my life, I tried seeing ‘safe-appearing’ tinder guys, which turned out to be a more or less fun to pass some time now and then. This was also the reason why I bumped into a love of my life.

N. The French guy. My friends had a chance to make some fun of it and they were partly right about that. Earlier in my tinder career I have already met a French guy once. It was quite terrible and absolutely followed the stereotype of romance-seeking and charming but insolent Jean-Pierre. Merely visible spot in my memory now. But I don’t believe that much in categories and for some reason I really felt that this time I had met someone different, maybe special. Our chat was short and looked typical for me, but then after those few sentences N. seemed to notice some things about me that noone normally would just from a short chat. Not everyone notice those traits even in real life. And he said he liked it! I was super excited about the meeting, like never before. I already knew how to organize those tinder rendezvous. So I set an appointment with someone else (less convincing, less stressful) before seeing N., so that I could burn my stress at this former guy and feel more loosely later.

It was late evening when we met at the bus stop. I instructed him how to easily get there and waited. We didn’t have this embarrassing moment of not recognizing each other. So our real life story began with a warm smile like we would have never seen each other but felt like should. From this very beginning I felt free and comfortable talking to him, which appeared as a great relief for me after weeks of avoiding talking to anyone. He was nice, vividly interested, really friendly. I would say – he was super normal. And I don’t mean ordinary! I mean normal like just right person to be somehow in my life. As the conversation was moving I felt like maybe our languages do have quite much in common. I only knew that this huge load of positive impressions is way far from my everyday experience and that I might not handle it well. So we smoked some weed. And then talked and talked and talked. “We should totally meet again before I leave”. Oh yes, we should, N., yes we should…

And we did. At first I had some trouble contacting N. After promising to text me same day, next day, day after, he didn’t do so. I was super stressed and uncertain. Usually I wouldn’t pay this much attention to this, as I never cared about those second meetings (dates?), it wasn’t about that for me. But this time I felt like it’s the only thing in the world that I finally want maybe even more than disappearing from this world. It was a chance for having someone who understands me, who I can write a letter to, who I can see in few weeks or months again and have a great time with. After a relative eternity, N. texted me, explained the silence, promised to text me soon. It was a New Year’s Eve – that was why he was in my city. The whole party was extremely hopeless for me. I was losing control over my mind and maybe even body, acting like a beginner lunatic. I cried and slept for the most of the nigh while my apartment was drowning in wild bounce and noise of people on drugs and alcohol. I didn’t ask fate for another year to begin. But it did. With no hope for me.

When I was already quite sure that N. should be on his flight to France, I got a text, crazy story of losing everything including the flight. “So could we meet again as I leave tomorrow?” Oh yes, please. We spend a nice evening together at my friend’s room, drinking cider and talking. I invited N. to sleep at my place, as he didn’t have the accommodation for this last night. So he stayed. After some time of talking we were already tired and we needed to get up in the morning for his flight, so we turned on movie to watch and maybe fall asleep in the meantime. I was too exhausted so I turned, said goodnight and closed my eyes feeling like sleeping is the worst waste of time, but still happy that he is around.

He was right next to me. I felt his warmth and a sweet scent only few inches against my face. We weren’t touching each other but I felt safe and calm. There was also some magnetic field between us. We weren’t distinctly moving but we were definitely getting closer. The space shrunk. To the kiss.

The explosion of affection that came with it was incredibly flawless. Everything felt so good and was never enough. We were kissing and hugging like already missing each other. The control was unwanted, but needed. We exchanged careful and sensitive touches. Our lips coalescence was filled with mutual sense and understanding. We didn’t discover everything about us, like saving it for the future. This hint of what we can have together was much more than expected, enough for the moment and not enough for all time. It was a promise of something.

After we woke up the next day, we had a Sundance style morning with some winterly cool sunlight and hands holding in the bus to the airport. The goodbye still kept the impression of a new beautiful chapter in my life. And he was gone. I did the worst thing watching him leaving until he disappeared in the crowd. My bus run away, I stayed there some more time, cried few tears, feeling empty. At the beginning, we wrote to each other few messages. He even dropped some words like “would rather be with you now” or “got attached”. Well, I need to make it clear now. Cause that is why I didn’t call it love story just like that – it wasn’t really one for me. I felt huge attraction, maybe even crush. But I have a great sense of reality sometimes, you know. I wasn’t expecting that he will be my long-distance husband from now on. Besides the fascination, still the best thing for me about him maybe staying in my life was this thread of understanding. It was a moment when I felt welcome to tell him about the tiniest thing, no matter if sad or funny, relevant or stupid. I thought I found a soulmate in him. It didn’t have to be eternal love, I knew that. Friendship would do. But suddenly something had changed and within a week or so, by next few messages I understood that probably it would be much more convenient for N. if I stopped bothering him. So I did. And nothing more happened.

Okay, fine. Misunderstandings and disappointments are an everyday thing for me after all. There was some regret and sadness in me, but I wasn’t that surprised. The case was closed, no big deal. Go live your life, don’t pay attention, forget. Routine.

And this is where my struggle started. We all know it. Sudden appearance of smallest things like if they were some kind of sings from the universe. Fate and perception making a fool of you. Oh, you’re coming back home late at night, it’s raining cats and dogs and your only bus run away? Don’t worry, go and have this French dictionary abandoned by your destiny right on your way. Going for a walk? Yeah, let’s go and see all those French posters and graffiti that wasn’t here before. Hello, this is memrise, why did you stop doing your French course from months ago, you should definitely move back to that. Forgot about the registration for lectures? Don’t worry, I have got this one thing left for you – French literature. You hadn’t planned to be here at this moment, I see, you were supposed to be somewhere else, but because of reasons, yeah, there you go – French anything. Coincidence? No, no, no… Oh, you like smoking weed? So you probably know how to… French. Inhale.

Well, and this is how my life got infused with French vibe. End of story. But you know. Since I’m a stoner girl I see weed everywhere too. 😉



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Losing 2015 in progress

There was no January in my life this year. I fell asleep too early, woke up a day too late and maybe have never left this no-time space. And to keep things simple and honest – I don’t know where all those 2015 days are going.

January was a month of staying at home and keeping myself from thinking about doing anything else. Just to remain calm. The idea of going out, doing stuff, handling social intercourse… Crashing. To sum up, I watched ca. 30 movies, drank a bottle of ice tea per 36 hours and got stoned every few hours. I guess I slept a half of the whole month at least. I just closed it in a couple of short sentences, but it was nothing like that. The time was stretching slowly, making fun of me. My ability to communicate with anyone was slowly fading. I don’t talk to my friends at the moment in general. Some small talks now and then, me refusing their invitations for hanging around mostly. I’m not even sure if I want to talk to them. They constitute the situation that I’m not feeling comfortable in. I mean it’s not their fault, I like them, they’re amazing people! But they’re this last, but not least thing that is making everything so uncomfortable and intimidating. They already have they ways to see things, also the way to see me. I know for sure that this is not the place that I’m willing to stay. Okay, leaving all enormously huge world just because you didn’t like one place – not the only, not the best option. I can give myself another try somewhere, I feel like there is nothing to lose. If I don’t like it… Well. And that is how I came up with this whole student exchange idea. Just to be not. Here.

I still think that this would be my way to get through life. Somewhere else every time I feel bad again. It’s been always difficult for me to find comfort in life. I remember those small changes that were enough to go years ago. Now the only change that seems sufficient enough is moving out and leaving everything like it never existed. I try not to think about coming back for now. Actually I might go missing until then.

Putting words in sentences is a struggle. This whole language thing is killing me. I’m anxious and confused anytime I need to exchange thoughts with anyone. Which is disastrous for me, as I’ve always been the one that knows how to say, knows how to write, knows how to do this abracadabra. This is why I write in English, which is not my native language, here. Just to take the responsibility of writing good off.

And now February… At first I though that I’m catching up on it, but now I see that it’s almost gone. The one thing I became highly (ha ha ha) fluent with is passing the time. Walks, soundwalks, movies, baths, mindmapping, origami paper folding, watching lights and shadows, keeping the room tidy, looking for anything to do next, now blogging about it…  My plan was to spend some quality time with myself this month, maybe find out what I might want to do here or anywhere. None of this happened. I don’t enjoy spending time in any way. Being alone and doing this bunch of nothing feels better as I stay safe at my place. And there’s still some itching loneliness in it.

But if I were (forced) to find anything that I discovered (!) and liked recently – definitely walking. It doesn’t happen all the time that I want to do anything. Most of those precious moments are about going for a walk. So anytime I feel like going for a walk I stop whatever I’m doing and I just leave. I go wherever, not worrying about getting lost. I take my time to stop and stare at things at different angles, checking them on my way back when the light is changed. There’s usually no music in headphones as I also make it a time of my ear cleaning – sometimes just without music, sometimes by alternating for a soundwalk. I could stop here, but there’s always this one disappointment in those walks. I don’t meet anyone.

And after all this is still what I’m looking for. Someone. Anyone would be just fine for now. And someone, someday, somewhere. Someone to write a letter to. Someone to know me. Someone to take me somewhere else.

2015-01-06 14.32.13







IMG_20150214_153107Well, I wish I felt good about these 783 words that I managed to put in here. But that’s okay, wasn’t counting on it that much anyway. Maybe next time? An.

Hi, this is me saying hi!

Here I come to this moment with no way out, but two options to choose from – I can stay or I can go. I can’t just go. So I choose both.

I’m here to neutralize anxiety and depression. To gather all my single moments and pass them forward to anyone, someone and noone. To make things matter. My currently beloved stage is the one of not-being-around, the only thing I can do is passing the time. I walk, stare, listen, smoke, search, fold papers, mindmap, move… I go through episodes of my days and nights, struggle with coincidences, avoid and barely manage misundarstandings. My visions are elusive and unmemorable. But there’s no mystery in me. Only untold things.

My main aim in life right now is to leave the place where I am at the moment. And I will do so. As soon as possible.


Up above me standing in various circumstances.

I hope this will be the place. An.